Adoption, Prayer, and the Unexpected

This is Isaac Adams back on the microphone (0:27) And I’m joined by a dear sister today, Brittany Elmer. Thank you for joining me on here (0:32) Thank you so much for having me. It’s a real pleasure to have you sis at the beginning (0:36) I want to say just a couple things to even kind of frame this but (0:40) One is we have had by God’s grace. We’ve had lots of different people on united (0:45) We pray as you might imagine some of those people have big platforms at least publicly (0:50) and many don’t and I just highlight that because I think one thing we’ve always tried to value is (0:59) faithfulness (1:00) Over famousness if I can say it like that (1:03) I think anyone who is more well-known is a faithful person who’s come through here (1:07) But sis, I just want to say I think I’ve been thinking more about the Bible talks about make it your ambition to lead a quiet (1:13) And godly life. I think you lead in an exemplary (1:17) Quiet and godly life and it’s just a real privilege to have you on here. Thank you. Thank you for that encouragement (1:22) Well, I want to I wanted to give that on the front end and just some even some caveats and just so even you can (1:27) Speak more freely for our listeners. You’re gonna hear about Brittany’s story and her experience (1:33) Which is a tender one and her experience and their family’s experience is their family’s experience. So we’re not having you on here to be (1:40) the parenting expert or the all the the know-all on (1:45) Every transracial adoptive case or special needs are all of that. Okay sister. So you speak freely? (1:51) Okay, and I just wanted to set that up. I mentioned it a second ago (1:55) I want to talk to you today about adoption across racial lines and prayer. Okay (2:00) Before I specify that even further I thought there’d be no better place to start though (2:06) Than God’s Word, which I know you love (2:09) Would you mind sharing just a scripture or two that encourages you when thinking about adoption? I would love to I think (2:17) Initially what I think of is kind of the framework for adoption that we see in the glorious passage of Romans 8 (2:24) Specifically in verse 15 (2:26) That just says for you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear and instead you received the spirit of adoption (2:33) By whom we cry out Abba Father the Spirit Himself (2:37) Testifies together with our spirit that we are God’s children and if we’re children then we’re heirs (2:43) Heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ if indeed we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him (2:49) So I think about people who you know publicly declare adoption is the gospel and they’re right (2:54) That is where we where we see that in God’s Word (2:57) more specifically in like Jesus’s heart towards (3:02) children (3:04) I think a great example of that is in Mark 9 (3:06) In verse 36 where he takes the child and brings it to the group (3:11) And yeah, it takes him in his arms and says anyone who welcomes this child in my name welcomes me (3:17) And I think about in James 1 27 where (3:20) It says pure and undefiled religion is this to care for? (3:26) The orphan and the widow and their distress and to keep oneself unstained from the world (3:30) So I think there are so many places throughout scripture where we really see (3:34) Jesus’s heart for the disenfranchised the broken the lowly the orphan and the fatherless and (3:43) Yeah, so those are some of the passages that come to my mind good passages (3:47) I mean even when you just read the Romans 1 I just struck me. I was like, yeah, God does this (3:51) This is something we do to in our in our in our imaging of God that reflects him that reflects (3:58) what he’s done in the gospel with us and (4:02) Praise be to God (4:02) Yeah (4:03) and it’s born out of brokenness just as our earthly adoptions are like we were separated from God because of the fall and the fact (4:10) He’s adopted us and made us (4:12) his children (4:14) Even even after that chasm is yeah, really that’s a fuller picture of earthly adoption as well (4:23) You felt led (4:25) to adopt with special needs and again (4:28) Sister part of the reason you’re on here is because I know in saying in saying this and in highlighting this you’re not saying that (4:34) Makes you more special or anything like that. So no one’s assuming that um (4:38) But can you tell me more about how the Lord put (4:41) Adopting kids with special needs that ministry on you and your family’s heart. Yeah, so my husband and I grew up together (4:48) We dated through high school and college. And so we grew up working at different camps and then I don’t think I realize y’all (4:55) We’re high school sweet (4:57) On my 16th birthday. So we’ve been together a long time (5:01) And so working with kids with cognitive and physical disabilities has just been a shared passion for a long time (5:09) I also went to nursing school. I was a nurse for seven years before we adopted my first child. And so in having that (5:16) Medical background. We also have family members with medical backgrounds special education backgrounds (5:22) So when Chip and I have been married for several years and we were talking about starting our family (5:26) We really just felt the call of God to include (5:30) Those friends that we’ve always had in our lives as part of our family (5:34) We already had a really rich network here in Birmingham in the special needs community (5:40) Because we grew up with those kids and their siblings and their families, you know (5:44) Raising a child with special needs can be an incredibly isolating experience and we felt like what the Lord had already blessed us with (5:51) You know kind of confirms that calling (5:54) for us and we talked about (5:56) International versus domestic adoption for a while and ultimately the Lord led us to a group called the National Down Syndrome Adoption Network (6:04) so that felt like the right fit for us because we would know the diagnosis and it was also a way to (6:11) Adopt stateside and bring home a younger child. I mean, I mean (6:15) Okay, so as you know, do we pray? (6:17) So obviously there’s gonna be a racial ethnic component to what we’re talking about here (6:21) And I say that because you’ve adopted children with special needs (6:24) Who are also of a different ethnicity and I don’t know if that’s intentional or not (6:28) But I want to say two things about that first sister. Your family is beautiful (6:32) And the second is just a question having adopted across lines of special needs and then on ethnicity on top of that (6:39) Have there been unique challenges unique encouragements? (6:44) Certainly yes to both so the way that the (6:47) National Down Syndrome Adoption Network works is like this woman Stephanie Thompson who is a gym (6:52) Runs a registry of families who are just ready educated willing to adopt a child with Down syndrome into their home (7:00) So she’ll work with women who are pregnant and have received that diagnosis (7:04) Families who received that diagnosis at birth something that they were unprepared for and she also does some really good work (7:10) advocating for youth in foster care that have Down syndrome, so (7:15) It was a way for us to adopt a child that could be from anywhere in the United States (7:19) I think it is a little bit unique not to say it never happens, but the families who chose us (7:25) happen to be from India and Nigeria and so (7:30) Just in a story that only God could write we have an interesting blend of like international children who were domestically adopted (7:37) in terms of challenges certainly (7:41) Especially babies with Down syndrome or any kind of special needs they’ve gotten off to a rocky medical start (7:47) So my nursing degree comes in handy (7:49) We’ve had specialists and surgeries and you know feeding tubes oxygen all that stuff (7:55) but the Lord has been faithful to provide in terms of the (8:00) Adopting across ethnic lines and how that will impact my kids. I know it certainly will impact them (8:06) I think the question is with them also having Down syndrome. We don’t know. They’re still really young (8:11) We don’t know what they will understand about some of those harsh realities (8:16) In some ways I pray that the Lord would use that to protect them and shield them from some of that (8:22) But my fear is that they might experience that hard and not be able to articulate it (8:30) So that’s a challenge and I find myself like wanting to read and understand the experience of other (8:36) Adoptees across racial lines because I want to be looking for what my kids might be experiencing and not able to express (8:45) Now in terms of encouragements there have also been many and (8:51) One of them has just been it’s been delightful to learn about other cultures and really exciting (8:57) Practices that we’re trying to adopt in our home that kind of helped my kids (9:00) understand where they came from and know their culture of origin and (9:05) I’m gonna try to not sit here and just quote Shylin’s book the children’s book. God made me (9:11) And we’ve had shy multiple time my gosh that book has like put so many like delightful words to the things that I’ve been mulling over (9:19) but (9:20) Yeah, when he says like diversity is for our joy and for his glory like we have found so much joy in (9:27) Learning about other people groups and and having those things in our home (9:31) And I think the education that we’ve received we’ve now worked with three different adoption agencies (9:37) and that has been encouraging because I think there has been a shift and the education is (9:43) All about it’s it’s adoptee centered and it’s focused on (9:47) Really affirming that part of your child’s story. So that has been encouraging as well. Praise God (9:52) Well, even as you’re talking just two things I want to highlight (9:56) Number one, I just think it is always humble when someone just even just says I don’t know or we don’t know like we don’t (10:02) Know that part about me you’re talking about (10:04) How young your kids are and to just how the Lord has built you sister just with your background in being in medicine (10:09) Just like you’re just tailor-made for this and I just I praise the tailor for that (10:15) in talking about even the shift and making this about (10:18) About educating better in the adoptive world and making an adoptee centered and as opposed to just about us (10:25) It leads me to this next thought slash question slash story (10:29) I remember once many years ago a white young sister shared (10:33) With me that she really wanted to adopt one day and then she went on to add (10:38) basically quote and I want to adapt adopt a little black baby and (10:44) While I appreciate it felt odd to me (10:47) And I want to be really careful I can’t read this sister’s heart I trust (10:52) Many if not, all of her motivations were pure but ah, it did just feel odd (10:57) Like are you saying that adopting across ethno ethnic lines makes this more special? (11:03) Does the child have to be black? I like like why does that? (11:07) And I raise this because I think it’s what people get at when they talk about a white savior (11:11) Complex or at least some of that like is this good deed more about you and your image or is it about this child? (11:18) And I just raised that sis because while you’ve adopted across the ethnic lines (11:21) That is so clearly not your mentality of mindset and anyone listening to this free (11:26) Like can easily tell that that’s not your heart disposition and the ministry the Lord’s given you but I guess my question is (11:33) Have you seen that mindset? I’m talking about. Is this just like Isaac? (11:38) Really sad, but I think isolated experience and (11:42) Or have you had to ever wrestle through it? I mean, I just I know it’s a pretty vulnerable thing (11:47) I’m cringing because I’m afraid that probably somewhere in my past. I’ve said something (11:52) Like I have always wanted to adopt children (11:56) My very weakest defense would be that maybe that’s a God-given desire placed on her heart (12:03) Because the Lord is gonna bring those children to her home and as he did for mine, but (12:11) Okay, I see this a lot and (12:13) I’ll just speak to my experience. Yeah, I’ve had to wrestle with it (12:17) And that is I grew up in primarily white spaces my neighborhood my church my school. I think there’s something (12:27) Really (12:28) Awful about growing up in a culture where the only time that you interact with someone of a different (12:35) Ethnicity is in and I’m reaching out to you. I’m ministering to you. I’m sharing the gospel with you (12:42) I’m showing mercy to you like all good and wonderful things (12:47) But if that is your only context for interacting with someone who doesn’t look like you to a developing mind (12:56) I (12:56) Mean, I’ll just name the scent like it’s pride. Yeah, and it the roots run really deep when that is your own experience (13:03) And I’ve certainly had to look at that (13:07) in in my life, I (13:10) Keep thinking about this conversation. I had a with a co-worker like years ago (13:16) and (13:16) A dear dear friend and sister. She had prayed for years to have a baby the Lord finally blessed her and she was pregnant (13:22) Well, I’m talking to her about gender and she desperately wanted a girl and I’m like (13:28) Boys are so much more fun. Girls are so expensive. Like I’m just being funny (13:32) I thought it would be fun to raise boys and she looked up and like in all seriousness said (13:38) Oh Brittany, this world is terrible to black boys (13:42) And we can discuss the extent to which that is everyone’s experience (13:46) But the the pain and the fear for her was so real and visceral and I realized in that moment (13:52) Like how much I don’t understand how I’ve never had to consider (13:57) Anything remotely related to that as a white person thinking about the gender of child that I would raise (14:04) And so and and now that my youngest especially has entered my home. I’m thinking about it all the time (14:11) and it is so (14:14) Concerning that all the things that make my little boys so cute and adorable right now as babies like might be the reason that they’re (14:21) Perceived as more of a threat as teenagers to their white counterparts (14:26) Like that’s just an unfair reality and a scary thing as a mom, you know (14:31) so that’s why a comment about wanting to raise a black baby like (14:35) Made in a flippant manner at its most benign is incredibly ignorant (14:39) And that’s what I’ve realized about my experience and at its most sinister. It does have roots in (14:47) something so prideful and it can be pride in (14:51) Our ethnicity or our education or a material I think you know, it can be built and entangled in so many different things but (14:59) The Lord has done a lot in my life and I know he will have to continue to work (15:04) In ways to kind of root out that that’s in (15:07) He will be faithful to do that for the sake of my children (15:11) Well sis listen one thing I had a friend I was talking about this with one thing. I appreciate that. I think the (15:20) Some of (15:22) Let’s just call it I think when people are rebuked (15:27) the best rebukers are the best challengers (15:30) They do it and yet it doesn’t it’s like they can punch and it doesn’t hurt and I think like your your answer is is (15:37) Helpfully doing that and in just so I just want to say it’s not that it’s unnecessarily punchy (15:42) But I’m just like that’s just those are just I’m just listening to talk about like this is a very thoughtful challenge (15:49) Thank you for that. Um, those are some challenges any (15:53) Encouragements you would give to someone seeking to across adopt across racial lines. I (16:01) think that I would (16:05) Well, I would counsel people especially have grown up in primarily white spaces to (16:12) Educate themselves. Honestly, you’re not paying me to say this (16:15) I’m not here to be a commercial for United we pray but this podcast has meant (16:18) So much to me and if you’re a newer listener, I would say like starting at episode 1 (16:24) Listening all the way through I think you could 181 episodes (16:30) Austin and Adriana series just (16:31) Keep you busy for a while. You could you could go through the show notes and pull all of the books. I (16:39) Have so many on my stack right now that I haven’t read (16:41) I’m not allowed to purchase anymore until I finish the ones but (16:44) It has helped this this podcast is one I can give like a blanket endorsement to all of the content being really gospel-centered and also (16:52) Really helpful because you guys cover so much more than just like the black and white divide (16:58) Yeah, like other other ethnicities that people might adopt. So this has been a really rich resource for me in terms of like heart work (17:06) I would say counsel that I would give to people who just have that desire to adopt transracially (17:12) is (17:13) Is bridge building something that you also feel called to or that you have (17:18) opportunity to participate in in your life and in your space because I think that (17:23) Bridge building and transracial parenting are callings that are really closely paired (17:30) You guys talk about it all the time on this podcast (17:33) But like as a white person (17:34) Historically bridge building has been something I can pick up when I’m having a good time and when it benefits me and I can put (17:39) it down and walk away when it’s (17:41) Getting hard. I think now as a mom to black and brown children (17:46) I’m feeling convicted by the Holy Spirit that I kind of lose that luxury (17:51) for the sake of their experience in the body of Christ like that work is (17:55) Ever before me and deserving of my time and my energy (18:01) So, you know (18:02) I think that that I think when we listen to people who have been transracially adopted what they are (18:08) Reporting as adults is that not only were they the only nine non-white person in (18:14) Their school and their church and on the soccer field they went home and instead of recharging (18:20) Like you have to do as a minority. It was more of the same and (18:24) Then if they brought up to their families that they felt lonely (18:27) Isolated, you know exhausted. I think we tried to say like race doesn’t matter just ignore them (18:34) I think the heart under that is like we thought if we raised them in white culture (18:39) What difference does it make what they look like, right? (18:41) They’ll just fit in and this has just been to their cost like we just know that that isn’t true (18:47) and so I think being aware of those things but then also like (18:52) Wanting to make sure that your kids have opportunities that are going to be (18:58) ripe with (18:59) friendship, you know, I (19:01) Keep thinking about that quote from The Four Loves by CS Lewis where he says (19:07) Friendship is born at the moment where one man says to another you two (19:10) I thought I was the only one and I’m like, I need to make sure that my kids (19:15) have (19:16) Space and time for that to occur like this, you know for us specifically. I’m like are they hanging out with? (19:22) Other children who look like them of their same ethnicity who are adopted who have Down syndrome (19:28) And so I feel like we’re still kind of in some of the early phases of that but my husband and I are trying to (19:34) be really thoughtful about (19:36) Where we live where my kids go to school where we go to church and like bless the Lord (19:42) I was thinking the other day in Iron City, which you guys have said on this podcast (19:46) It’s a predominantly white church (19:47) But my kids both my boys can look up on the stage in leadership and see their skin tones (19:54) Reflected back at them and I that’s a gift and I think that’s him. I think that is important (19:58) Yeah, yeah. Amen. Amen. Well, it’s clear that y’all are thoughtful about it. It’s clear. Y’all are prayerful about it as well (20:05) So let’s let me transition us to prayer (20:08) Because one one reason I wanted to have you on here was to talk about prayer (20:12) Because I’ve had the privilege and I mean that word privilege of (20:17) Watching you undergo a terrible tragedy (20:20) We don’t and yeah, you just say as much or as little about that as you want to but we you don’t have to say (20:27) Much of anything about it. It was a tragedy though in which a lot of people came around you and your family to support you (20:34) Making meals and such and you just made an awesome meal for our family, right? (20:39) And so you do that kind of work, but you also made (20:42) clear (20:44) that (20:44) You were so genuinely thankful for the meals and the babysitting and all that you were Jen, of course (20:51) Thank you yet you also mentioned how going through this people would ask you questions like (20:55) What can I do for you besides pray and I’ve encountered that in the past in my own so like people are like (21:02) And they mean it (21:04) With all the godliness in the world, but it almost it can’t feel like it’s like (21:09) Don’t tell me to pray. What what do you really? (21:12) right and (21:14) And yeah, and of course people can hide behind prayer (21:16) Nonetheless going through the tragedy seemed to change your perspective on that question and I couldn’t and I wondered if you could share (21:23) Your reflections about that. Yes, I would be honored to (21:28) Yeah, just for the sake of your listeners understanding the context my youngest son had a twin Isaac (21:34) we had the immense joy of adopting both of those boys and then four months after (21:41) they joined us Isaac went to be with the Lord and (21:45) Experienced perfect healing and we are grateful for that even in our very deep sadness. We miss him dearly (21:52) But yes, so that season of life was obviously chaotic and challenging for our family (21:59) We were trying to work and trying to maintain a sense of normalcy for our oldest child (22:04) We were living away from home for much of that time (22:07) yeah, and people kept being like what can I do besides pray and (22:11) I just realized like while I was in the middle of that circumstance (22:15) I’m like, first of all what I need no one can give me no no human hands can provide (22:22) What I’m lacking which is strength and encouragement and supernatural ability to face really deep suffering (22:31) and (22:33) You know at the same time (22:34) Nothing was more powerful than the way that God worked in his people just in the messages that would we would receive from people (22:42) Saying that they were praying for us or sending a scripture or sending us their prayers. I’m like nothing (22:47) Will make you feel more loved or more seen by God (22:52) Then to know that like his spirit is moving among his people and putting your life and more importantly my child’s life (23:01) yeah on the heart of another believer it was and (23:04) And the timing of it was always this sense of like God had not abandoned us (23:08) He saw what we were going through because people were even sending you voice memos of their prayers (23:14) But even in when I would listen to them like I just saw the Holy Spirit really moving and encouraging us in that way (23:22) So that’s why the question like what can I do besides pray? (23:25) I think it insinuates there’s something better that you could be doing and I just feel like I now know (23:31) There is nothing better that I could be doing for a struggling friend than taking them before the throne (23:36) There is no better way to care for someone who is suffering than to take time to lift up their needs to the father (23:42) And there was never there is never anything. I really need more than that (23:48) encouragement, you know (23:50) And after I shared this at an ICC prayer service (23:54) Somebody wrote me a note and like said it more eloquently than I’ve been able to but she was like it’s helping me flip the (23:59) script on my grieving friends to like I (24:02) Wish that there was something I could do to I have the most powerful tool at my disposal in praying (24:09) And I’m like, yes, that is exactly what I’m trying to communicate (24:14) Yeah, that is a great way to look at prayer and its power (24:19) I’m just sitting I just did not know that (24:21) That happened after the prayer service. So that is (24:25) Awesome and just why I I mean I have that testimony of bounds even after folks listening to this podcast (24:32) And yeah, yeah, my god, of course, we want to we don’t want to be like be warm and fed (24:37) See ya, like, you know thoughts and prayers, which is a callous and empty phrase (24:41) But sincere heart-wrought spirit-filled prayer is lifting people before God and any it is just like it is (24:49) It is so (24:51) In some sense (24:53) Well, I’ll just say everyone can every Christian can do that for someone and so thank you sister for sharing this (25:01) This tragedy and yeah, I mean, I’ll just I’ll never forget the eulogy you gave (25:06) And I want to ask you if I in terms of even the eulogy I’m gonna come back to that in a second (25:12) But what I want to ask you is there anything else you want to share on this topic before we pray because you know you (25:17) United we pray before we try to pray on the show faithfully (25:21) And do the very it’s very easy to talk about prayer. It’s very hard to pray (25:26) No, I would just say like in praying for our kids just to put a bow on the transracial adoption topic. I just think (25:34) There are so many things that I want my kids to know about themselves and their history and where they came from (25:39) But I have a really dear friend (25:43) Cherelle and her mom Cynthia and (25:45) Some of the people that I’m talking about the Lord put in our lives (25:49) Because he knew the children that were coming, but she gave my son a book (25:53) for his birthday, and she wrote the most gorgeous inscription of (25:57) Like a summary of Psalm 139 in the phone. It said you are a child of God (26:02) Wonderfully made dearly loved and precious in his sight (26:06) I’m like (26:06) I love all those daily affirmations that people do with their kids or are they like stand in front of the mirror and say you’re (26:12) Important and you’re beautiful and you’re kind and you’re smart, but we’re repeating those words that Cynthia gave me (26:19) in my house because I think before our kids are black brown Indian Nigerian cute clever like I think (26:27) the unifying work of Christ and the fact that these kids are made in his image and dearly loved by him is what makes the (26:35) Journey of adopting across racial lines like doable worth it (26:40) And I think the Holy Spirit can bless it. Even if the world says like this is dangerous (26:45) You know, I think that we can put our hope in something (26:50) Higher and in a world that is coming. Yeah. Yeah (26:53) That’s my hope for for families like ours and and what we’re praying for to see, you know (26:59) Even in the land of the living. Amen. Amen. Well, we’re gonna pray about that in one second (27:04) One thing I just want to say I try to give you an encouragement on the front (27:07) I don’t want to end with an encouragement and just even reflecting upon (27:11) your eulogy which (27:14) And I also just resonate with the experience of receiving a note from someone like wow (27:17) That is much more eloquently than I could ever say it (27:23) But yeah sister the Lord gave you so much grace for that eulogy and (27:27) Second Timothy is a book. I really love as a pastor and (27:31) Suffering is mentioned in each chapter, but in an interesting way Paul actually says share in it. So it’s a command (27:38) It’s a weird thing Paul’s being like, you know, I want you to make the choice to suffer not in any kind of weird (27:48) Like we delight in suffering for suffering sake thing (27:51) But like take on the suffering for the sake of others and for the sake of the gospel, right? (27:55) So that that phrase share in suffering and I literally like that day when we’re at your precious boys (28:02) Memorial service. I wrote this down in my Bible (28:08) Share in suffering think of the Elmer think of the Elmer’s seeking special needs kids (28:13) And in some sense, I want to say this with the right caveat (28:16) And if I’m making one of these ignorant statements that you’ve said before but in some sense what wouldn’t I think let’s just say the (28:22) word naturally in the flesh be a parent’s worst nightmare or for their kid to like have (28:28) have disability have disabilities like (28:32) and (28:32) What a lot it’s what a lot of people would run from (28:35) Y’all are running toward and I just want to exhort you with that because to me it was such a clear picture of Paul saying (28:42) Run toward it. I mean you’ve been blessed because of it (28:46) Right you and all the beautiful things of like and doesn’t God say you you thought this was a nightmare (28:51) And I’m turning this into something (28:53) And so I just wanted to (28:56) You guys have left an indelible mark in my Bible (29:00) with that with that verse and with that concept of (29:03) Not for our fame not for our Instagram (29:05) And again, it’s just like you didn’t do this thinking one day. I’ll be on the United. We pray podcast and five people will hear (29:13) But you know that (29:16) Yeah that one sister who emailed you (29:19) Doesn’t he doesn’t get that concept without you deciding to share in suffering and whatever else the Lord is doing that we can’t see and (29:25) I trust he’s doing a lot. I hope you’re encouraged with that. Thank you. Thank you (29:29) I praise the Lord that that is yeah opportunities that Isaac and his sweet little life (29:37) Listeners that was that was (29:39) Yes (29:42) Great well sis, do you want to open us in prayer and then I can close this. Thank you so much for traveling through some really (29:50) heavy waters dark waters (29:53) and (29:54) Not just sharing and suffering but sharing that suffering with us. So, thank you